Don’t Force it
There’s an old saying, “You can’t force a round peg to fit in a square hole.” Hmmm that makes sense… yet the majority of us don’t incorporate the wisdom of this statement into our daily lives. Heck, I just recently found myself stumbling upon the deeper meaning of this. How often do we try to force something to be what it’s not? Better yet, why do we do this? For instance, how often do owners try to force a dog to be a show dog simply to fulfill their own wants and needs?
I’ve been in this situation many, many times throughout my career. I’ve gotten angry and frustrated at myself because I just couldn’t figure out how to get a dog to love showing. It became my personal mission. And, when I couldn’t make it happen, I found myself doubting my abilities as a handler. It is my job to get a dog to show. It is my responsibility to make it happen. That’s what I get paid for. Some dogs are naturals, some hate it, and many fall in between. For those that fall in between, there is often a spark of light within that just needs to be tapped into and brought out. Great handlers/trainers know how to find that glimmer of light, build upon it bit by bit and then, almost miraculously, a dog becomes greater than even the dog dreamed it could be.
It’s not about winning; it’s about having made a difference in a dog’s life.
When this happens for a handler, it is feels magical. We know we helped a dog step into its own confidence and believe in itself in a bigger way. We know that because of the dog’s experience with us, it will walk through other aspects of its life in a grander, more confident way. I would imagine this is how a teacher or coach feels when a student finally gets something. It is a beautiful moment every handler cherishes. It is one of the reasons we do what we do. In these cases, it’s not about winning; it’s about having made a difference in a dog’s life.
However, what about the times when we hit a wall? There are times a dog just doesn’t want to do it. It is as if the dog looks at you and thinks I don’t know why you guys think this is such a big deal… I think all this show stuff is just stupid. And what happens when a dog does this? The majority of the time, the owner, breeder, handler, sometimes one or all decide it doesn’t matter what the dog thinks. The reason why this happens is because showing often becomes about fulfilling the needs of the human. And please don’t get me wrong, there are lots and lots of dogs that love showing, love entertaining, and love training and working hard. I love working with these dogs because I love that too. We share this in common. In that situation, everyone’s needs are being met and it’s a win-win for all.
However, I have had many dogs throughout the years that challenged me. I have trained, finished, and even campaigned dogs that just didn’t like showing. Now I’m in a place in my life asking myself why? Why didn’t I just let that dog go home and do something it really enjoyed instead of forcing it to be something it wasn’t?
Not long ago, I was faced with this dilemma. I was working with a client who I really, really like. She was always grateful for my work. She never complained. After having shown several dogs for her, she told me she bought a new puppy and she wanted me to look at it. Months went by, yet she never brought the puppy for me to see. Finally one day, I asked, “When can I see your puppy?” She said, “Well, she has a lot of issues. I don’t think you’ll want to take her.” I asked her, “What do you mean?” She replied, “Well, she is very dirty. She goes to the bathroom in her crate and she doesn’t mind being in a dirty crate.” I said, “Okay, well traveling with a dog like that will certainly be frustrating. Let me just see what she looks like.”
I see she is beautiful
When I see the dog, I see she is beautiful. She has a drop dead gorgeous body, but she is a complete and total head case. I tried working with her at a show and she had a meltdown. She just wanted to escape and go home. She was ten months old and wouldn’t walk on a lead. She was choking and gagging and throwing herself on the ground. After trying all my tricks, I could barely get her to walk on a lead. I asked, “Will she walk for anyone?” My client replied, “Yes sometimes she will walk with my husband.” When her husband took the lead, I could see she was better. I could see she sensed his confidence so she felt safer and more confident herself. However, honestly I was grasping at straws. I really wanted to be able to do what my client was asking of me. I didn’t want to let her down. I wanted to give it my best shot. After all that’s my job, training dogs to be show dogs. I decided to try taking her away from her owners. My hope was that giving her time to bond with me, would allow her to connect into my energy and feel stronger and more confident. If she felt secure, she might become more receptive to my training. I agreed to spend time with her during a three day show cluster. My goal was to make a few baby steps.
Throughout the weekend, she had several accidents in her crate. She was stressed and unreceptive. I felt sad for the level of stress it was causing her. My assistant pleaded, “Please tell me you are not going to take this dog.” This was further confirmation of what I already knew.
I soon realized this was just me wanting to pass the buck
My first thought was I needed to present a trail of logic in which my client would decide she shouldn’t pursue the dog’s championship. My thoughts were, when I talked to my client, I could reinforce that I understood and agreed with her and the breeder that her bitch was physically beautiful. I could also go on to explain even though she was physically beautiful, her temperament was a major deviation from what the Doberman standard calls for, and in my opinion should not be bred. I could further explain to her it would require a vast amount of time and money to make this happen and it still may never deliver the championship title the owner and breeder desired. I could tell her I felt she should not put all her financial resources into such a risky specimen. However, I soon realized this was just me wanting to pass the buck. The owner didn’t want to disappoint the breeder, and now I didn’t want to disappoint the owner. I needed to stop worrying about everyone else’s feelings and just speak my truth. The ball was in my hands. Now, it was up to me to stop ignoring the reality of the situation. I needed to step up and be the one to say, I don’t believe in pursuing a championship for this dog.
When the time came I said to the owner, “This is very difficult for me to say to you, because I really like you and I want to make you happy, but I need to be honest. I do agree with you that this dog is very beautiful. However, I don’t want to put myself or the dog through what it would take to get a championship. Plus, I don’t want to be responsible for the financial costs required of you to make this happen. I understand you may have a different opinion, and I’ll understand if you choose to pursue her championship with another handler.” She had tears in her eyes. She told me she understood, but she needed to talk to her husband before she could make that decision.
Someone was disappointed and I couldn’t do anything to fix it.
I thought doing the “right” thing should feel good, but it didn’t. Someone was disappointed and I couldn’t do anything to fix it. What did feel good was the decision felt right for me. I believed my decision was in the best interests of the dog (it would cause her tremendous undue stress), the best interests of me and my other clients (it would take a lot of time and energy from my own pool of energy that would not be available to my other clients), it would heavily drain the financial resources of the owner. In the end, I honored me and allowed my owner to decide what was best for her.
Weeks later, I asked her what she and her husband decided. They decided to pursue the dog’s championship with another handler. Yes, I had a bit of doubt about my decision. What if I was wrong and this other handler was able to turn the dog around? I found peace knowing it would require much time and energy, and the energy that was expended on that one animal would be taken away from the pool of energy I had to give my other clients. I didn’t want to put that upon myself, my assistant, and my other clients.
I never saw the bitch entered at a show and I often wondered what became of her. Did the other handler discover a spark of light within her that I couldn’t find? About a year later, I finally asked the owner what happened to the puppy I evaluated. She looked down and then said to me, “We just got her back from being on the road with another handler. She came home with only one point. We decided to just give up on her and try to find her a good home.” I felt relief for the dog. I prayed her new owner would see who she was, and not what someone else wanted her to be.
Instead of making this about a dog, when might I have forced myself to be something I am not?
I could just finish this article now, and that would be the end of it. But I’ve never been satisfied skimming the surface of life. I like to go deep. What is the deeper meaning in all of this? How do I bring this back to me? Instead of making this about a dog, when might I have forced myself to be something I am not? This brought me back to when I was a young girl. I remember being mesmerized by the banner strung across my fifth grade teacher’s classroom, “Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you.” Yes, I contemplated that quote, which typically is not considered normal behavior for a young child. For those of you that know me, it’s probably not shocking to learn that I was always that way. I have always been a contemplator. I felt I didn’t belong because the silly things that satisfied other kids didn’t satisfy me. The critical voice in my head told me I would be so much happier if I could be like everyone else. I assume this dynamic plays out for all of us at various points in our lives.
Sometimes the wisest path is not the path easily or popularly followed. Yes, there are times it’s just easier to go along with things. That’s okay if it feels good. However, if going along with something requires you to deny who you are and you chose to do that, then you have betrayed your own needs and individuality.
For instance, after my last article, a client of mine called me deeply concerned for my well-being. She said, “You need to be careful about what you put into writing.” I found her choice of words interesting because she was repeating words my mom spoke when I was a child. My mom always said, “Don’t ever put anything in writing that you don’t want the whole world to know.” I understand my mom’s advice was sound advice and meant to be helpful, but it actually put the fear of God into me. My whole life in school I would perform poorly in writing, because my teachers would instruct, “Tell us how you really feel.” No way!!!! The message I remembered as a young girl was, “Never put things in writing, because people are always judging you!”
After having heard my client’s true fear and loving concern for me, I wanted to speak to her needs. I said, “As a current client of mine I feel the need to tell you that I am not going to stop writing. My writing is very important to me. If my writing brings up things that people don’t like, so be it. I’m at a point in my life where I believe in order for things to change someone needs to stir the pot. However, I don’t want innocent bystanders to get caught in the crossfire. If you feel the need to stop working with me because you fear the consequences of my writing, I will hold no ill will against you if you chose to hire another handler. My writing is part of a personal mission of mine to help bring about change. I recognize that my mission may not be your mission, and I will not be upset with you if you no longer wish to be a client of mine.” As things sit right now, my client chooses to stand by my side. Although I believe she fears it may be a risk to her, she has made this choice both freely and consciously.
Now that I have made peace with myself, I am no longer afraid of who I am not.
Another thing I discovered is I am at a point in my life, where I no longer fear the judgements of others. Now that I have made peace with myself, I am no longer afraid of who I am not. My client warned, “Well if you chose to move forward with this, you are going to have to put your shields up.” Again, I heard her fear for me. She was afraid that I was going to get hurt and that my career may suffer from putting myself out on a limb. I said, “Actually, I don’t’ need to put any shields up because if anyone’s judgement of me is untrue, then it doesn’t affect me. However, if they do strike upon something that triggers me or makes me feel threatened, then that will only help me get clarity on issues still troubling me. It will serve as an opportunity for me to explore something about myself more deeply.
So although many would be content to simply end on, the dog wasn’t a show dog and its owners were trying to force it be something it is not… this is not enough for me. This is symbolic of something deeper. How might this relate to me on a deeper more personal level? If I go a little deeper it is an opportunity for me to ponder other areas in my life where I may be trying to force myself to be something that I am not. So thank you to all of you who have read this article to the end. I am grateful for having had the opportunity to share myself more deeply with you. There is so much more within all of us that often lies buried beneath the surface. We fear it will be rejected and so we hide our true beauty. I invite you all to embrace your true essence.
Published in Dog News Magazine, September 14, 2018, page 30