I Don’t Belong
By Kelly Lyn Marquis, PHA, AKC RHP
Ever since I was a little girl, I always felt at home with animals. I knew what they were thinking and feeling and what they needed. I knew how to relate to them. People though, I found much more confusing. It seemed I was living between two different worlds. In one world I felt safe, loved, and understood. In the other world I felt unsafe, confused, and like I didn’t belong. I walked between these two worlds for most of my life.
Now, I have reduced the gap between these two worlds by integrating all I have learned from the animals. This integration began when I started tuning into my energy and observing how I felt in different situations. I was surprised to discover a huge discrepancy in how I felt when I interacted with animals versus how I felt when I interacted with people.
Here’s what I discovered when I tuned into my energy. When I was showing dogs, I was in a zone. I could feel my dog’s energy and they could feel mine. I could sense when a dog needed energy or felt lacking. For example, when a dog felt lacking in confidence I would make my body bigger by standing taller, expanding my chest out, and projecting my energy out as if I was trying to fill an entire stadium. The dog would sense my energy and my confidence and begin to stand taller and feel more confident. The dog picked up the energy I was sending. Yet when I was working with a dog that was hyperactive or overstimulated, I would use my energy much differently. In this case I would become extremely calm and non-reactive, careful not to send any additional energy towards an already overstimulated dog. When this took place the dog would sense me pulling my energy back and would begin to pull their energy back as well. The dog would settle down and become calmer, more receptive and able to focus. The dynamic is similar to how one must receive a raw egg when it is tossed. The receiver of the egg (or energy) must go with the flow of energy otherwise the clash in momentum will cause the shell to break. When handling and training dogs I realized I was always seeking energetic harmony and balance between the animal and myself.
This sensing of energy is not limited to great handlers. In fact, all humans are born with instincts and intuitive abilities that are meant to guide us safely through this world. However, something about our human nature and our heavy reliance on verbal communication, often leads us to trust words over feelings. This is what happened to me. Everything I knew as a handler of dogs completely went out the window when I interacted with people.
When tuning into people’s energy, I found myself feeling very frustrated and confused. I immediately noticed the energy I was feeling and sensing did not match with what people were saying. At first, I didn’t know how to respond. I was very confused. Do I trust what I am feeling, or do I respond to their words as if they are true? I experimented with this new dynamic. I retrained myself to almost completely disregard a person’s words, and instead respond to what I was feeling.
This process was a very bumpy road for me in the beginning and I still struggle with it sometimes. In the beginning, I found myself feeling guilty whenever someone said something nice to me and a really mean thought came into my head. The guilty feeling came because I would blame myself for the terrible reaction I experienced. It would go something like this, “Congratulations Kelly I am soooo happy for you!” At this point, I’d feel a big hit in my gut that said, “She’s not happy. She’s totally angry and hates losing to you. In fact, she can’t stand you because you often stand in her way of winning.” Next I would feel overwhelming guilt for having accused someone of something so mean (even if I only did so in my head). Now I know many of you are probably thinking, we’ll that’s ridiculous; of course the other person was being insincere. For those of you that figured that out immediately, congratulations!!! You can fast forward through this next section. Unless of course, you’re like me, and have trouble seeing it while it’s happening to you.
For those of you thinking to yourself, yup I do that. I feel guilty when someone says something nice, but I sense something mean from them. Then I feel bad about doubting their words. This next passage is for you. What I’ve learned is some of us take on the negative energy of others in our quest for overall energetic harmony. We take on the discrepancy between their negative energy and their positive energy. However, rather than take it on, we should be handing it right back to them. After all we did not cause the energy discrepancy, they did. We don’t need to take this energy discrepancy on for them.
Let me explain it in a way I know you will understand. If a dog acted like a jerk, you would correct him for his misconduct, all would be fine. You wouldn’t take on his negative energy. Instead you’d give it right back to him for him to work through. You’d hold the dog accountable for his actions and you’d both have a better relationship. He discovers acting like a jerk doesn’t benefit him or you and learns a better way.
So what can we do with people in this situation? First begin by allowing yourself to accept people are often mean. We are imperfect creatures. Yes, even myself. I had to learn to accept that although it is always my intent to be nice… sometimes I’m just a jerk. Sometimes I don’t know how to be the person I would like in that moment because I have so many conflicting emotions going on in my head at the time. Recognizing this dynamic within myself helps me be more forgiving of others when they are the one being a jerk. However, the point I don’t want to miss here is for us to trust when our intuition says, “That person is being mean or what they are saying doesn’t match up with their true thoughts and feelings.” This may be childish logic, but for some of us, it’s that simple; because we stopped trusting our feelings and instincts a long time ago. It’s time we start trusting our gut again.
For those of you that can relate to what I have had to say, I encourage you to tune-in and trust what you are sensing and feeling or knowing. If you sense someone’s true thoughts are unkind, ignore their words and trust your instincts. Once you trust your instincts, you can then decide how you want respond to that person in the future. Your response might be as simple saying to yourself, “Being around that person doesn’t feel good to me, so I am going to stay away from them.” Or, if they are someone you value, then you might find a gentle way to point out to them that sometimes interacting with them doesn’t feel good to you and you would prefer the two of you find a more authentic and kind way to communicate. This creates a boundary and allows people to step-up and be more authentic, or it provides an opportunity for you to turn negative people away so you can create space for more congruent interactions in your life.
Our instincts are here to protect us and guide us. When we stop listening to our instincts we often end up with unsafe people, in unsafe situations, and feel disconnected from ourselves and our world.
So if there are any of you out there that feel you are living in two different worlds, perhaps it’s time you integrate them. I encourage you to look to your dogs for guidance. They are not just our pets. Dogs exemplify unconditional love. For many of us, our hearts would have closed off years ago, but because of our dogs our hearts remain open and able to love.
I would like to challenge you all to learn how to emulate your dog and learn how to live life with an open heart. Learn to trust your instincts. Learn to be who you are. Discover the true meaning of unconditional love. If you are surrounded by people who are not loving, supportive, and kind and who you don’t feel safe with it’s time to start tuning into your senses and using them to guide you toward a more harmonious relationship with yourself and your world.
Published in Dog News Magazine, April 19, 2019, page 26
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At eight years of age, Kelly Lyn Marquis began showing dogs. She has been handling dogs professionally for more than 25 years. In 2002 she handled Ch. Blue Chip Purple Reign, #1 Doberman, #1 Working Dog, #5 All Breed. She is a member of the Professional Handlers’ Association, and the AKC Registered Handlers’ Program. She is a CTA Certified Life Coach and holds a Bachelor of Arts Degree from the University of New Hampshire. To comment on articles or to suggest future article ideas, please visit her website at https://winall.us.